To New Chapters. To New Friends.

I'm here! Officially and completely living in Kansas City. The next chapter has begun and things are off to an incredible and hectic start. I think that would be the title of my autobiography if I ever wrote one. Incredible and Hectic: Story of my life. 

Let's play a little catch up shall we??? I promise to tell all my tales from Europe, but in a separate post. I started to scribble them down here and realized I have too much to cover in one place.

I arrived back state side almost a month ago completely jetlagged and eager to move in to my new apartment. I had just a couple days wait before the whole move in process got started and when Monday rolled around grandma and I were off towards my KC adventure. 

Overall the move went smoothly and painlessly. The truth is I had so little to move that the movers spent a good portion of their time taking videos off the balcony. During my adult life, I've never bought furniture and have had various hand-me-downs from different family members. I knew that I wasn't going to be putting any of the furniture into the new apartment and I left all those things behind. I hired a wonderful interior designer and set out on my first experience furnishing an home. 

It has been a very fun and expensive project, but if you walked into this apartment you would have no idea.

From the moment you unlock and just crack the door open it is just breathtaking and unbelievable....or uhh it appears as if some warehouse took over an apartment. Cardboard boxes everywhere! So basically I currently live in a very fancy box graveyard with an incredible view. The first week, I had plastic silverware and paper plates, I was pretty sure I had knives in one of those boxes, mattresses on the floor, forgot I didn't pack sheets, and a couple of towels in the bathroom. I wish I could tell you that I have taken leaps and bounds in the settling in department since then, but the truth is that I'm taking baby steps every day. 

The first piece of furniture to arrive was the bookshelf for the guest room and let me tell you it looks fabulous! And this little badass over here put it together all my by self! The first hiccup is when they delivered the rug to our package room and I realized I can't carry a 9 ft tall object by

myself. (Thanks Dad!) I now also have a desk. No chair for the desk yet, but we are moving on up.

So in review, still sleeping on mattresses on the floor, eating on lawn chairs in the living room, put together a bookshelf and a desk, and anxiously awaiting the rest of my furniture. I took a big step yesterday and finally picked out some counter stools!

My biggest priority upon moving in actually wasn't furniture at all. It was making friends.  I had this incredible group of friends in Little Rock that I already miss dearly and here I was in a new place where I didn't know anyone. I have always been of the belief that I am terrible at making friends and I feel like we can all relate that making friends gets way harder as you get older. Somehow making friends was easy though. By the end of the first week I had met a few girls who I knew I was going to love. And after starting work last week it turns out there is another girl starting with me who is going to be my neighbor and very likely my work wife. I don't know what I did in the last life to get this kind of karma, but I'm loving it! I may also be dabbling in some dating..

So for the big question....

What is it like your first week as an Attending???

First I'll give just a little perspective for those who don't know the full structure of the journey to get to be an Attending. As a resident, you take care of your own patients, but you always have a supervising doctor, an attending. As you get further along in residency, they do less and less with your patients and eventually they become you sounding board on complicated patients and your safety net.

So last week, I walked into the hospital as an attending for the first time. I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't nervous at all. I knew I would be doing the same thing I've been doing for the last 3 years and that I had received incredible training, but I was without my safety net. Without my person to tell me when I was screwing up. 

The entire experience is a bit surreal. I go in to do procedures I rarely if ever did without supervision and I look around for the attending. Then I mentally remind myself that I am the attending. Then I look around at my partners and think "are you sure none of you want to come watch me?" Don't get me wrong, I march right into those rooms and take care of the patient. I know what I'm doing, I have all the training, but it is a cultural change. I went from always being supervised to being the supervisor. I have people asking me what to do instead of the other way around. 

I've been reassured by one of my favorite attendings in Little Rock that this is normal and will pass...in a month or two. 

Everyone survived my first week of my big kid job, including me and my nurses. 

Once I get settled into this crazy new life, I'll start really getting into my goals for my new free time. Though I'm started to wonder if "free time" is just an illusion, because I'm still living this incredible, hectic life and free time is hard to come by. The herb garden has been planted. I tried my hand at homemade marinara with my sister, and I am actively trying to cook more now that I have a fully functional kitchen. And I'm here working on blogging. Free time may be hard to come by, but I'm still working on that short list of things I want to do now that I'm not a resident.

I'll get my Europe post out this weekend and from here on out my goal is to post each Sunday!

A Reboot, A Fresh Start, A New Chapter

Life never works out quite the way we plan it and good intentions don't always turn into results. I always hoped to keep this going while in residency, so imagine my surprise when I saw my last post was 8 months ago! Where has the time gone?!? I knew some time had passed, but 8 months? 

So came the next dilemma, it was time to start a new post after 8 months. Where did I start? Do I talk about the past, the recent past, the now, the future? I'm in such a weird transition place in my life that nothing seems very clear cut right now. So how about a little bit of all of the above?

The Past

For 6 weeks I lived in complete denial. Denial that everything in my life was about the be turned upside down and I was going to be pushed into the New Chapter of my life. Little Rock had become my home and I had a big family there. I made some of the best friends you could have in life during my 3 years. It was both the best and worst years of my life all at the same time. But even during the worst days, I had this amazing group who supported me even through my emotional moments. 

So needless to say, I was a little hesitant about accepting that this was all about the change. I was moving to a city where I didn't have any friends and was starting all over. My grandpa keeps telling me that it isn't starting over, but a continuation. I think he may be crazy. Yes,  yes life is continuing, but it was starting all over without this new family I had come to rely on. 

We made the most of it. We spent those 6 weeks hanging out every chance we got. Seeing everyone we could. Bordering on driving each other crazy. Several of us are extroverted introverts and alone time is so necessary, but with the countdown ticking loudly we saw each other every second we could. 

I spent a great deal of that time living with Shae after the break up. Sometimes the universe works in weird ways and I think the universe was pushing me to spend the time I had left where I needed to with one of my best friends. When I'm writing posts where I'm trying to catch up I never know the stories to tell, because I'm trying to cover so much. There are so many great stories from those last few weeks, but mostly it was a group of people laughing, drinking, and trying to fit in everything we could. 

As for the break up? Lots of lessons learned. 

When the goodbyes finally came, we all agreed it wasn't really goodbye and I set up a reminder in my calendar to text the crew every Sunday.

The Now

For 2 weeks, I have been trying to catch up on 3 years of time with my family. Actually making it to baby showers and graduation parties. Remembering where I came from. Most importantly being my favorite thing, Aunt Katie. 

My sister and I started a new monthly tradition to help me accomplish one of my new goals(more on that in a moment.) They will be known hence forth as Foodie Nights. We are going to try our hand at new dishes and push our cooking skills into new arenas. Last week we had our first Foodie Night and made Chicken with a Veloute garlic and herb sauce, homemade mac and cheese, and haricot verts. It was delicious! I can't wait to for the next one.

This week has been all about getting life into order. In 3 days, I am boarding a plane for my first trip to Europe! I am doing a solo adventure for 2 weeks before I return to move into my new apartment in KC. I'm very excited and nervous about the upcoming couple of weeks, but certain they are going to be wonderful. 

"As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life — and travel — leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks — on your body or on your heart — are beautiful." -Anthony Bourdain

This vacation is all about adventure and exploring. No big to-do lists. No stress to see as much as I possibly can. Despite being my firsts time to Europe, this trip isn't about that. Instead I want to get lost in the culture, meet new people, slow down, give myself permission to do what I want, and most importantly not stress. I have a couple of things on the calendar. The kind of things you need tickets for, but otherwise I have a list of recommendations, books packed to read at cafes, and a plan to disconnect from my phone. After 10 years of working every second to get to the finish line, I'm teaching myself to smell the roses. 

The Future

So what does a 20-something girl(woman? badass?) do with her time after spending 10 years chasing the one big dream? The day before I graduated from residency, that was my sister's big question. What are you looking forward to? What are you going to do with your time? Uhhh, excuse me I'm over here swimming through denial. Lalalalalala. 

I have a great memory which is both awesome and sometimes terrible. So after my brain heard the, what are you going to do with life now question it wouldn't forget it. So what am I going to do? 

• Learn to make yummy sauces. I have such a love for the fancy, delicious sauces that come on chicken and fish at restaurants and I want to know how to make them or how to create them
• Grow a herb/spice garden. This goes along with the goal above. Fresh ingredients=delicious food
• Work on keeping my blog up to date and start writing again
• Learn to kayak and brush up on my swimming skills
• Travel. All the travel
• Train to hike the Alps next summer/fall
• Read more and figure out what I like to read now
• Become a yogi
• Learn to slow down
• Be that awesome, encouraging Aunt who makes it to almost everything even if it is just a couple minutes late.

No worries brain. I got us covered. Going to stay busy for sure!

The Next Big Step

What feels like just yesterday, but also like it was lifetime ago, I sit as a very eager and confident 17 year old staring at a medical school application. As I have soldiered through medical school and then residency, this moment in my life has always seemed unreal. I never thought I would get this far. In just 9 short months, I will finish residency and while the learning is far from over, the training will be over. For the first time since I started this journey, the world of possibilities was open to me. The big question we get asked by our mentors, classmates, friends, and family is, where to next? 

I started talks with a couple of hospitals in Kansas City and Nashville in the spring and in August Britton and I boarded a plane for a Kansas City interview. I was excited to introduce my family to Britton and to be near my home for the first time in many months. I wasn't that nervous about the interview its self for some reason. I guess I have been on enough interviews in this lifetime that either it would go well or it wouldn't. Not that the morning before the interview didn't have a few moments of angst.

Britton and I met up with part of my family at one of my favorite cafes for breakfast and then made our way back to the hotel so I could change into my suit. Turns out I had brought the wrong shoes for that suit and Britton had accidentally worn my socks to breakfast. But most of my angst from the morning came from something very different than wardrobe issues. 

I suddenly felt some panic that all of this was about to be over. I was about to have to be able to do this all by myself and was I really ready for that? Do I know enough to practice medicine without any help? The second round of my morning emotional roller coaster was the realization that in just 10.5 months, I would be moving away from some of the best friends I could have ever asked for. People who totally got me even during my struggles. I was certain I wasn't ready to give that up. Nope, I think I'll just try to be a resident for another year. Surely all my friends will want to stay for another year too, right? 

This moment in my life that I had been waiting for, for my entire adult life was clouded by fear. Fear of change, fear of loss, fear of not being able to do it. And as I stared at myself in the mirror with all of these feelings swimming through my head, my recruiter arrived. It was show time, just 3 interviews and one dinner and I could figure this all out tomorrow. 

My first two interviews included a whole lot of information about the hospital and what the ER there was like. My last interview was at Liberty Hospital and included the tour, information, and a whole lot of hanging out. It was laid back and easy, just my kind of environment. It was the moment of the day where the fear melted away for just a few minutes and I just enjoyed hanging out with my type of people. 

Britton would be very disappointed if I didn't tell the story about dinner, though he will probably be more disappointed he can't tell you all himself. After a day full of interviews, I got back to my hotel and switched into a dress. We made our way over to the restaurant a few blocks away. Side note, heels while walking down a hill, not my thing. Frankly it hurts. We made it to dinner and grabbed a drink with everyone before we were seated. Dinner included Britton and I, my recruiter, the 3 medical directors of each hospital I interviewed at and their wives, and a couple other people in administration. We had an amazing dinner, the food was delicious and everyone seemed to have a good time. Towards the end of dinner, the medical director of the Liberty hospital (who was sitting next to me) said my name to get my attention. My grandpa always taught me no elbows on the table, but here I was elbows on the table turning to hear him when one of my more embarrassing moments in life happens. My fitbit(no I don't know why I was wearing with my dress) hits the rim of the glass of my brand new martini tipping it over. The glass goes straight down into some lobster mac&cheese and then splatters all over one of the medical directors.  Yes I was super embarrassed. Yes, he was a little upset. Yes, the other two medical directors found it very funny. And surprisingly, yes I was still offered that job. Oh and what did the Liberty medical director want? He wanted to tell me that he really wanted me to accept a position with them.

I am very thankful for my recruiter that day. He isn't the over the top salesman, which is good for me because I don't buy into those kinds of things. He was honest, laid back, and accommodating. He finished the night off with Britton and I at the hotel bar after dinner. Assuring me that I would be offered all 3 positions and we would figure out what I wanted to do. He would be in touch and I found so would a couple others within the next 12 hours. 

Over the next couple of weeks, I worked through all of my fear of changes. The offers were on the table and I was stalling trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Britton remained supportive and listened to me go back and forth. His parents were also wonderful and had given us their blessing to do what was best for our careers and move to KC. Britton's biggest concern with the whole process has always been being far from his parents. In the end I knew that it wasn't that I didn't want to take the position, I just wasn't ready for life to change yet. But life doesn't wait for us to be ready. After a few weeks of contract negotiating, I am proud to announce that I have accepted a full time position in Liberty come next summer. I'm still a little scared of all the change that is coming, but we are very excited to take this next big step in life. 

Misc Stuff

In just 4 days I start my first vacation in 6 months! It is apple cider season so Britton and I are headed north for my grandparent's annual apple cider party. After that we are off to Charleston for vacation. It is way overdue. And for the first time in our relationship, despite living together we will actually get to see each other every night for 2 whole weeks. 

Our puppy made a bunch of new friends this weekend. He's the cutest.

In light of all the of animosity going around I'll share with you the name of a chapter of one of my favorite authors news books. Be kind to each other, loves.

 

So This is Love, Baby

There was no time to curl my hair or stare into my closet and send pictures of 10 different outfits to Shae and my sister that first date. I was going to be about 15 minutes late as it was. I had worked a 15 hour day in the Surgical ICU and was pretty indifferent about how I wanted the date to go. I remember promising him that being late was an isolated incident. That's not true of course. I'm about 50/50. Sometimes early and sometimes late. And mostly always late if I am working that day, worked the night before, or if the Chiefs are playing. Also, if it is a early morning event and you are asked to bet if I will be on time you should probably go with not likely. 

I have often wondered if the date went so well, because we were both so indifferent about if the the date went well. Overall the night was just easy which may be a weird way to describe it, but anyone who has been on those awkward first dates knows how nice it is to have an easy first date. The texts leading up to the first date were things like "I turn into a pumpkin at 8 at night due to work" to which his response was "no big deal. My prince charming potion wears off right about 830 anyway."

Date two was just a couple of nights later and included drinks with his old high school friends. Date two turned into date three and on. Date four, I remember was the moment of truth on whether or not my lifestyle was going to be an issue. My month in the SICU was amazing, but I was exhausted. I was working long days and had 24 hour call days. We had made plans to hang out after I had gotten off of work and frankly getting dressed up, putting on make up, and going to dinner wasn't really something I could muster up that night. The options were cancel the date or Chick-fil-A on the couch. A makeupless date night on the couch was fine by him. 

There were some things we had to work through at the beginning. I had been so use to my independence for such a long time that giving up some of that was kind of scary for me. I had also inherited this fear that if I did let myself want to have a long committed relationship that eventually the other shoe would drop and I would realize it was all more of an illusion or a series of half truths rather than something real. But over time we created this incredible relationship.

About 3 months in I found myself remembering the little silly piece of me that has gotten buried by the stress and professionalism of my life. My sister once described it as "child like pure joy." Here I was giggling uncontrollably, contemplating buying water guns, and singing terribly to music in the living room while he watched in amusement. He made me feel like it was okay to be me, the uncontrolled unedited version of me. And on my hard days, which come more often than  I'd like but less often than they did, he'd just remind me he thought I was amazing. Never getting upset at the crazy hours I work, that sometimes I don't have time to clean, and that my time was so limited. 

A few months in I met his parents and I was so nervous. I'm so weird about new people in general which I know has to come as a shock to those who know how much I can talk. But meeting parents brings on a whole new fear for me. I had never been in a relationship where the parents loved me so meeting of the parents brought me some real fear. Then of course, Britton told them I was nervous to which his father's response was something to the idea of "oh I'm going to mess with her." So here I will tell you that Britton had told me he was much more like his mom than his dad. Hahaha. He is a perfect mix of both of them. They told me stories from his childhood and more than anything they spent time just enjoying being with their son. The support they give him and now us is incredible. They have also had to come to be accepting of my crazy work schedule and have been very supportive.

Our relationship wasn't really something we sit down and planned out. It just started with one date that turned into several months and here we were two people in love with one big Elephant in the room. Residency doesn't last forever and what would come next in my life was up in the air. One thing was certain, the opportunities in Little Rock were very limited and so I was pretty sure I would be leaving come summer of 2018. I think he spent time talking himself into it on his own. We didn't talk about it much, we just knew that someday it would come to pass. 

In May, he had actively started to mention he had been looking at houses for sale in the areas of the country I was looking to live and towards the end of the month he made the comment, "Blake(his good friend) said today why don't you two just move in together." At the time I laughed it off thinking it was a passing comment, but the more I thought about it the more I realized maybe he was trying to bring up the subject. Over the next couple of weeks we discussed the pros and cons of moving in together. The are we really ready for this step and what that would mean. We agreed that we weren't sure if we were ready, but if there was a chance he was going to pick up and move with me in a year we should probably give this a real trial run and the rental house hunting started.  

With a lot of help from his parents, we moved in together in July. He still manages to love me despite the fact I'm a little messy. He makes my life entirely easier and seems to love me no matter what we make it through. In August, he survived meeting my family. It was a first in my life, they all really liked him, even the typical big critics were a fan. Probably the one who was the most unsure about him was Merideth, though I wonder if that was because she was worried he would take my attention from her. Aurora on the other hand was totally smitten with him, but too shy to go near him. Probably my favorite quote from my family after meeting him was, "all daughters need a Britton in their life." Indeed they do. A man who is patient with my demons, respects my accomplishments without feeling threatened, is kind to other people, likes to have a good time, and still maintains his own independence was just perfect for me. 

We have taken on some big new adventures together. Our latest adventures are a 9 week old puppy named Atlas and Power Yoga.  They have both brought us new joys and challenges.

Our biggest disagreement is over my flip flops. He hates them. I'm pretty sure that one day I'll come home and they will be no where to be found. But the joke will be on him. Old Navy sales flips for cheap almost all year round.
Tomorrow I'll continue my journey of recapping the year and tell ER stories. Random experiences, the struggles of ER life, and all the organized chaos. "These gut busters will send you straight to the ER"- Brought to you by Britton Alan. 

Just getting started...

It's so easy to get lost in the daily routine, the rut of life, the constant need to get this done and get that done. But, while you are just surviving day by day, life is happening all around you and life is changing. You miss the magic that is happening as you are trying to get through your to-do list. Inevitably a moment will come and you have to stop and reflect on all the time that has passed. We've all seen the pictures of the tiny humans comparing how much they have changed in a year, but as adults we quit being amazed by how much change happened in a year to ourselves and maybe that is just because we don't realize it is happening. You know, life is too busy and there are too many things on the to-do list to accomplish to stop and muse at what we have done. Now, I can't speak for everyone and maybe these things really only apply to me, but I think there is a possibility there is a little truth in there for many people. My moment came upon me very quickly mid-August where I needed to stop and reflect. There is something about fear or sadness that brings on these moments. For me, it was fear. Fear of change. This series of blog posts is about my last year. The ugly, the good, and the amazing.

September of last year I struggled through a very difficult time in my life. Those closest to me know that fall of last year I went through a dark and sad time. I was very self destructive. Not the risky behavior kind of destruction, more in the emotional destructive kind of way. Over a series of days that turned into weeks that turned into months, I lost sight of who I was and became very familiar with the feeling that is hopelessness. The idea that things will never get better was always at the forefront of my mind. I learned what unconditional support and love meant that fall. My emotional destruction really took its toll on those closest to me and yet they stuck by me anyway. Love is funny in that way. That is what makes me believe that love the most valuable thing we can have in life. The kind of love from someone who looks at you when you are a complete mess that is trying to push everyone else away with nothing positive to offer to them and regardless they sit there with you as a witness to your pain and struggle reminding you, you aren't alone. I thought that time in my life would never end and focused on just surviving each moment.
The moment eventually came in early winter when I decided it was time to start overcoming. I had hit the darkness point in my life and the options were limited. I either had to start trying to overcome hopelessness or I was going to spend my days waiting for life to end. I have come into the belief over the last year that pain is not something that we can avoid and not something we should avoid. It is what makes us stronger. It's what makes us warriors in what is never going to be a fairy tale kind of life.
I spent a couple of months rebuilding my strength and reminding myself who I am and what I am capable of. Climbing back up a metaphoric mountain to happiness is such an interesting process. I learned things like it isn't a straight up climb, being at the top isn't sustainable, and eventually we all are going to slide down a little here and there. It also doesn't protect you from fear or pain. I have learned so much more since then about me, life, pain, fear, but it doesn't keep me from falling into the rut of life and just trying to survive day to day so I can make it to the next thing on my list to do. That kind of rut isn't from sadness or hopelessness, it's from forgetting there is more to life than scratching things off of your to-do list, but more on that later.
 A moment came where I felt really good about where I was about two months into climbing the happiness mountain that I decided I was ready to date. I highly recommend that if you are struggling, you shouldn't date. My grandpa once told me many years ago, "You should be happy alone before you try to be happy with someone else." Which at the time I thought was ridiculous, but Last winter I finally understood the advice. You have to be responsible for your own happiness and know your own worth to really have a healthy relationship. You never want to worry so much that losing them would mean you won't be able to be happy again or that you stay in a bad situation because you don't want to feel alone. In the freezing cold of January, I felt like I was at a point where I didn't need anyone to be happy, that I had me for that.

Did I mention this was going to be a series of blog posts? How could I possible cover an entire year, love story, life changing decisions, adventures, my big a-ha moments, and my big news in one post? Let's be honest, it's hard to read a super long story all at once. So tomorrow's agenda is a love story between a small town southern boy and a midwest girl who likes flip-flops.

September 2016. This night ended with me crying for no particular reason and 2 of my best friends coming to sit with me.

September 2017. This night ended with Trivia and Sangria at Flying Saucer.

Quarterly Update

No matter how much I attempt to convince myself I have time for all the things I want to do in life, the truth is with my chaotic schedule there are not enough hours in the day and no matter how hard headed I am, I'm not capable of being super woman. Eventually things have to give and so often they are the same things: working out, cooking, sleep, time with friends, studying, cleaning, blogging, me time, and did I mention sleep? Leaving time for clinical hours and administrative work, the occasional dinner and drinks, 5 hours a night of sleep, and a few hours a week to maintain a relationship with a very patient and understanding man.

For me reality is life revolves around a stethoscope and vital signs. Perhaps I am a workaholic by the force of the culture and perhaps I'm a workaholic because medicine is my calling. In the end the reasons don't matter, at this point I live and breath medicine and my friends do the same. The perfect example: Once a week, a month, or every couple of months I get together with two of my favorite people to play strategy board games. Call it a guilty pleasure. When you put together 2 emergency medicine residents and a surgery resident (or 3 workaholics) it is hard to find a good time to get together. After cancelling multiple game nights and trying to figure out how to get together we finally decided on playing together while one of us was on call. The threat of being called away mid-game only adds to the fun surely and that is precisely what happened. Right in the middle of the game something more important came up(work) and the game had to come to an end. But no big deal for 3 workaholics, a few pictures of the board so we can easily start where we left off next time and we were back to what we live and breath.

Over the last several months, I have accomplished a great deal of feats. I spent a month in the Surgical ICU complete with 24 hour calls(more like 26 hour calls). It is a place where Emergency Medicine residents go to learn what they are made of. When you have been awake for 20 hours, 3 people are trying to die, traumas are hitting the ER, and you are left to your own devices you either panic or go through a great deal of growth. While panic seemed like a very attractive option, I chose the latter, strapped on the tennis shoes, put trust in my nursing staff, and figured it out. On the other side of the trenches comes some clinical confidence and the realization of the fragility of life. I watched young patients who ended up with life altering or life ending injuries while enjoying the things in life they love struggle in the unit and it was impossible not to sit back for a moment and wonder if I should be more careful, take less risks. This was a question that was brought up more than once between me and my co-residents for the month and we always came back to the same conclusion. While being more careful could possibly keep us from ending up in the SICU, life was unpredictable and not worth living if not lived fully. The cost for happiness is risk and sometimes pain(of the emotional and physical kind).

Since finishing up in the SICU, I have studied and taken my one test of the year, spent a month in the ER, helped to start a wellness committee for our residency, taken on new recruitment responsibilities, saved a life or two, and started this month in the medical ICU. I have just a couple weeks left before I return to the ER basically permanently and just over a year left before I finish up residency. So in the little free time I do have I have started to look for my first post residency job, wherever that is going to be.

It is certainly true that I spend probably 85% of my life working or sleeping the last many months, but I have managed to fit in some pretty wonderful things in that other 15% of my time.

In the beginning of January I went out on what I promised would be my last first date in Little Rock. Knowing I would be leaving the area in what will be almost no time and that I had, had terrible luck in the dating department it seemed like a good time to stop dating. I went into that first date with an "I don't give a damn how this goes" attitude. Perhaps that is why we had such a good time, but after a crazy few months I couldn't remember the last time I laughed that much in such a short period of time. Over the last several years I have done some short non-official dating, nothing super serious. It is fair to say as things started to progress I was a little nervous and afraid. Bless him for being so patient with me. All of me. My fears, my career, the fact I'm a terrible morning person(understatement), my need for independence, that some weeks make up and looking presentable aren't part of the allot time. Quite honestly this story deserves its own blog post and one day I'll write it. But with my track record who knows when that will come. For now I will say this, I have a type and not a great one. You can ask my sister and grandpa all about it. After some less than positive experiences, I was hoping to break my pattern and I think maybe I did just that. It takes a very special person to be accepting of this crazy life I live and all the things that come along with dating me, but somehow he acts as if it is nothing and loves me despite my chaos and quirks. There is something about having a relationship where we share decisions, help each other out, and expect nothing that seems to just work.  So that couple of hours I have to spare a couple nights a week are filled with laughter, stories, and plenty of sarcasm.

Outside of dating, I had some vacation time in March. I went home for a few days and was there to see my sweet niece, Merideth, turn 5. FIVE! I simply still in disbelief. When the hell did that happen? She has turned into the sweetest little girl with just the slightest attitude and so many entertaining things to say. Her parents deserve a pat on the back for creating and raising such an awesome little girl. She had a little Moana party. If you haven't seen the movie, see it. Adorable. She is starting to become independent and wants to spend more time with her friends than her aunt. As sad as that makes me, the time was bound to come and she still has a little time for me. I then made it over to see my other sweet niece and nephew. For those who don't know, Aurora is my 2 year old niece who kind of despise me. This trip was really no different, however I did get a single kiss and I have photographic proof she got close to me on her own accord.(I'm sure the birthday gift had nothing to do with it) My sweet little nephew is getting so big so fast, but I managed to steal some snuggle time with him. Hopefully he is a bigger fan of me than his sister is. My mom and I set the date for when she will be coming to spend the weekend with me in Arkansas this coming June. I can't wait to have a little mother-daughter time.

After returning to little rock for a few hours I jumped into the car with 2 of my best friends and headed south towards Austin. The reoccurring question I get is where I will go from here and the short answer is I don't know. However I have made some process and went from narrowing it from someone warm on earth to a few select cities: Austin, Nashville, Kansas City, and the Carolinas. However, I had never been to Austin before so having a few days off at the same time as my friends seemed like the perfect time to do some exploring. This also deserves its own post and I promise to write it, one day. Let's just say we had an incredible time and Austin is an amazing city. I can't wait for my next road trip with the best travel partners. Nashville here we come(eventually).

So one could say that I have been a little busy. I have quit being jealous of the people who seem to have figured it out and are able to do it all. Quite frankly they are either aliens or they let different things give. Instead I have started to work on giving myself some grace for not being super woman. The laundry will still be there, I still have my 20 minutes of me time in the car, and the internet doesn't shut down blogs just because it takes you 3 months to write a blog post.

Proof