So This is Love, Baby

There was no time to curl my hair or stare into my closet and send pictures of 10 different outfits to Shae and my sister that first date. I was going to be about 15 minutes late as it was. I had worked a 15 hour day in the Surgical ICU and was pretty indifferent about how I wanted the date to go. I remember promising him that being late was an isolated incident. That's not true of course. I'm about 50/50. Sometimes early and sometimes late. And mostly always late if I am working that day, worked the night before, or if the Chiefs are playing. Also, if it is a early morning event and you are asked to bet if I will be on time you should probably go with not likely. 

I have often wondered if the date went so well, because we were both so indifferent about if the the date went well. Overall the night was just easy which may be a weird way to describe it, but anyone who has been on those awkward first dates knows how nice it is to have an easy first date. The texts leading up to the first date were things like "I turn into a pumpkin at 8 at night due to work" to which his response was "no big deal. My prince charming potion wears off right about 830 anyway."

Date two was just a couple of nights later and included drinks with his old high school friends. Date two turned into date three and on. Date four, I remember was the moment of truth on whether or not my lifestyle was going to be an issue. My month in the SICU was amazing, but I was exhausted. I was working long days and had 24 hour call days. We had made plans to hang out after I had gotten off of work and frankly getting dressed up, putting on make up, and going to dinner wasn't really something I could muster up that night. The options were cancel the date or Chick-fil-A on the couch. A makeupless date night on the couch was fine by him. 

There were some things we had to work through at the beginning. I had been so use to my independence for such a long time that giving up some of that was kind of scary for me. I had also inherited this fear that if I did let myself want to have a long committed relationship that eventually the other shoe would drop and I would realize it was all more of an illusion or a series of half truths rather than something real. But over time we created this incredible relationship.

About 3 months in I found myself remembering the little silly piece of me that has gotten buried by the stress and professionalism of my life. My sister once described it as "child like pure joy." Here I was giggling uncontrollably, contemplating buying water guns, and singing terribly to music in the living room while he watched in amusement. He made me feel like it was okay to be me, the uncontrolled unedited version of me. And on my hard days, which come more often than  I'd like but less often than they did, he'd just remind me he thought I was amazing. Never getting upset at the crazy hours I work, that sometimes I don't have time to clean, and that my time was so limited. 

A few months in I met his parents and I was so nervous. I'm so weird about new people in general which I know has to come as a shock to those who know how much I can talk. But meeting parents brings on a whole new fear for me. I had never been in a relationship where the parents loved me so meeting of the parents brought me some real fear. Then of course, Britton told them I was nervous to which his father's response was something to the idea of "oh I'm going to mess with her." So here I will tell you that Britton had told me he was much more like his mom than his dad. Hahaha. He is a perfect mix of both of them. They told me stories from his childhood and more than anything they spent time just enjoying being with their son. The support they give him and now us is incredible. They have also had to come to be accepting of my crazy work schedule and have been very supportive.

Our relationship wasn't really something we sit down and planned out. It just started with one date that turned into several months and here we were two people in love with one big Elephant in the room. Residency doesn't last forever and what would come next in my life was up in the air. One thing was certain, the opportunities in Little Rock were very limited and so I was pretty sure I would be leaving come summer of 2018. I think he spent time talking himself into it on his own. We didn't talk about it much, we just knew that someday it would come to pass. 

In May, he had actively started to mention he had been looking at houses for sale in the areas of the country I was looking to live and towards the end of the month he made the comment, "Blake(his good friend) said today why don't you two just move in together." At the time I laughed it off thinking it was a passing comment, but the more I thought about it the more I realized maybe he was trying to bring up the subject. Over the next couple of weeks we discussed the pros and cons of moving in together. The are we really ready for this step and what that would mean. We agreed that we weren't sure if we were ready, but if there was a chance he was going to pick up and move with me in a year we should probably give this a real trial run and the rental house hunting started.  

With a lot of help from his parents, we moved in together in July. He still manages to love me despite the fact I'm a little messy. He makes my life entirely easier and seems to love me no matter what we make it through. In August, he survived meeting my family. It was a first in my life, they all really liked him, even the typical big critics were a fan. Probably the one who was the most unsure about him was Merideth, though I wonder if that was because she was worried he would take my attention from her. Aurora on the other hand was totally smitten with him, but too shy to go near him. Probably my favorite quote from my family after meeting him was, "all daughters need a Britton in their life." Indeed they do. A man who is patient with my demons, respects my accomplishments without feeling threatened, is kind to other people, likes to have a good time, and still maintains his own independence was just perfect for me. 

We have taken on some big new adventures together. Our latest adventures are a 9 week old puppy named Atlas and Power Yoga.  They have both brought us new joys and challenges.

Our biggest disagreement is over my flip flops. He hates them. I'm pretty sure that one day I'll come home and they will be no where to be found. But the joke will be on him. Old Navy sales flips for cheap almost all year round.
Tomorrow I'll continue my journey of recapping the year and tell ER stories. Random experiences, the struggles of ER life, and all the organized chaos. "These gut busters will send you straight to the ER"- Brought to you by Britton Alan. 

Just getting started...

It's so easy to get lost in the daily routine, the rut of life, the constant need to get this done and get that done. But, while you are just surviving day by day, life is happening all around you and life is changing. You miss the magic that is happening as you are trying to get through your to-do list. Inevitably a moment will come and you have to stop and reflect on all the time that has passed. We've all seen the pictures of the tiny humans comparing how much they have changed in a year, but as adults we quit being amazed by how much change happened in a year to ourselves and maybe that is just because we don't realize it is happening. You know, life is too busy and there are too many things on the to-do list to accomplish to stop and muse at what we have done. Now, I can't speak for everyone and maybe these things really only apply to me, but I think there is a possibility there is a little truth in there for many people. My moment came upon me very quickly mid-August where I needed to stop and reflect. There is something about fear or sadness that brings on these moments. For me, it was fear. Fear of change. This series of blog posts is about my last year. The ugly, the good, and the amazing.

September of last year I struggled through a very difficult time in my life. Those closest to me know that fall of last year I went through a dark and sad time. I was very self destructive. Not the risky behavior kind of destruction, more in the emotional destructive kind of way. Over a series of days that turned into weeks that turned into months, I lost sight of who I was and became very familiar with the feeling that is hopelessness. The idea that things will never get better was always at the forefront of my mind. I learned what unconditional support and love meant that fall. My emotional destruction really took its toll on those closest to me and yet they stuck by me anyway. Love is funny in that way. That is what makes me believe that love the most valuable thing we can have in life. The kind of love from someone who looks at you when you are a complete mess that is trying to push everyone else away with nothing positive to offer to them and regardless they sit there with you as a witness to your pain and struggle reminding you, you aren't alone. I thought that time in my life would never end and focused on just surviving each moment.
The moment eventually came in early winter when I decided it was time to start overcoming. I had hit the darkness point in my life and the options were limited. I either had to start trying to overcome hopelessness or I was going to spend my days waiting for life to end. I have come into the belief over the last year that pain is not something that we can avoid and not something we should avoid. It is what makes us stronger. It's what makes us warriors in what is never going to be a fairy tale kind of life.
I spent a couple of months rebuilding my strength and reminding myself who I am and what I am capable of. Climbing back up a metaphoric mountain to happiness is such an interesting process. I learned things like it isn't a straight up climb, being at the top isn't sustainable, and eventually we all are going to slide down a little here and there. It also doesn't protect you from fear or pain. I have learned so much more since then about me, life, pain, fear, but it doesn't keep me from falling into the rut of life and just trying to survive day to day so I can make it to the next thing on my list to do. That kind of rut isn't from sadness or hopelessness, it's from forgetting there is more to life than scratching things off of your to-do list, but more on that later.
 A moment came where I felt really good about where I was about two months into climbing the happiness mountain that I decided I was ready to date. I highly recommend that if you are struggling, you shouldn't date. My grandpa once told me many years ago, "You should be happy alone before you try to be happy with someone else." Which at the time I thought was ridiculous, but Last winter I finally understood the advice. You have to be responsible for your own happiness and know your own worth to really have a healthy relationship. You never want to worry so much that losing them would mean you won't be able to be happy again or that you stay in a bad situation because you don't want to feel alone. In the freezing cold of January, I felt like I was at a point where I didn't need anyone to be happy, that I had me for that.

Did I mention this was going to be a series of blog posts? How could I possible cover an entire year, love story, life changing decisions, adventures, my big a-ha moments, and my big news in one post? Let's be honest, it's hard to read a super long story all at once. So tomorrow's agenda is a love story between a small town southern boy and a midwest girl who likes flip-flops.

September 2016. This night ended with me crying for no particular reason and 2 of my best friends coming to sit with me.

September 2017. This night ended with Trivia and Sangria at Flying Saucer.