Just getting started...

It's so easy to get lost in the daily routine, the rut of life, the constant need to get this done and get that done. But, while you are just surviving day by day, life is happening all around you and life is changing. You miss the magic that is happening as you are trying to get through your to-do list. Inevitably a moment will come and you have to stop and reflect on all the time that has passed. We've all seen the pictures of the tiny humans comparing how much they have changed in a year, but as adults we quit being amazed by how much change happened in a year to ourselves and maybe that is just because we don't realize it is happening. You know, life is too busy and there are too many things on the to-do list to accomplish to stop and muse at what we have done. Now, I can't speak for everyone and maybe these things really only apply to me, but I think there is a possibility there is a little truth in there for many people. My moment came upon me very quickly mid-August where I needed to stop and reflect. There is something about fear or sadness that brings on these moments. For me, it was fear. Fear of change. This series of blog posts is about my last year. The ugly, the good, and the amazing.

September of last year I struggled through a very difficult time in my life. Those closest to me know that fall of last year I went through a dark and sad time. I was very self destructive. Not the risky behavior kind of destruction, more in the emotional destructive kind of way. Over a series of days that turned into weeks that turned into months, I lost sight of who I was and became very familiar with the feeling that is hopelessness. The idea that things will never get better was always at the forefront of my mind. I learned what unconditional support and love meant that fall. My emotional destruction really took its toll on those closest to me and yet they stuck by me anyway. Love is funny in that way. That is what makes me believe that love the most valuable thing we can have in life. The kind of love from someone who looks at you when you are a complete mess that is trying to push everyone else away with nothing positive to offer to them and regardless they sit there with you as a witness to your pain and struggle reminding you, you aren't alone. I thought that time in my life would never end and focused on just surviving each moment.
The moment eventually came in early winter when I decided it was time to start overcoming. I had hit the darkness point in my life and the options were limited. I either had to start trying to overcome hopelessness or I was going to spend my days waiting for life to end. I have come into the belief over the last year that pain is not something that we can avoid and not something we should avoid. It is what makes us stronger. It's what makes us warriors in what is never going to be a fairy tale kind of life.
I spent a couple of months rebuilding my strength and reminding myself who I am and what I am capable of. Climbing back up a metaphoric mountain to happiness is such an interesting process. I learned things like it isn't a straight up climb, being at the top isn't sustainable, and eventually we all are going to slide down a little here and there. It also doesn't protect you from fear or pain. I have learned so much more since then about me, life, pain, fear, but it doesn't keep me from falling into the rut of life and just trying to survive day to day so I can make it to the next thing on my list to do. That kind of rut isn't from sadness or hopelessness, it's from forgetting there is more to life than scratching things off of your to-do list, but more on that later.
 A moment came where I felt really good about where I was about two months into climbing the happiness mountain that I decided I was ready to date. I highly recommend that if you are struggling, you shouldn't date. My grandpa once told me many years ago, "You should be happy alone before you try to be happy with someone else." Which at the time I thought was ridiculous, but Last winter I finally understood the advice. You have to be responsible for your own happiness and know your own worth to really have a healthy relationship. You never want to worry so much that losing them would mean you won't be able to be happy again or that you stay in a bad situation because you don't want to feel alone. In the freezing cold of January, I felt like I was at a point where I didn't need anyone to be happy, that I had me for that.

Did I mention this was going to be a series of blog posts? How could I possible cover an entire year, love story, life changing decisions, adventures, my big a-ha moments, and my big news in one post? Let's be honest, it's hard to read a super long story all at once. So tomorrow's agenda is a love story between a small town southern boy and a midwest girl who likes flip-flops.

September 2016. This night ended with me crying for no particular reason and 2 of my best friends coming to sit with me.

September 2017. This night ended with Trivia and Sangria at Flying Saucer.