Silver Linings

Maybe I sensed something was off, maybe I had left on the bathroom light when I had left hours earlier. Now I can't really remember why I didn't walk into my bathroom and turn on the light last night, I just remember the shock of seeing the bathroom mirror shattered into millions of pieces. It must have happened while I was away during the day yesterday, because I am certain the crash must of been very loud. It somehow managed to fall directly off the wall. All I could think was thank goodness that I hadn't been in there, that I hadn't walked barefoot into a room of glass shards, and that I have a maintenance man who is extremely nice and willing to come help me clean it up on a Saturday morning. This may not have been my plan for Saturday morning, but in life things happen. So often things just don't go as planned and in life we get what we get. Right now I can just been thankful that it wasn't worse.

Over the last several weeks, I have been under an incredible amount of stress. Surgery was not my favorite rotation(though I did learn the skill of suturing.) It has become more and more obvious over the last couple of weeks that though we had an amazing team that got along, we now need some time apart. We are all tired, frustrated, and stressed. The early mornings, the long days, and the dread of dealing with people who are difficult to please has made us all a little cranky and makes the silver linings seem very dim. Maybe my silver linings are a little brighter, because I know I am down to one more day.
The stress over the last few weeks isn't only from my rotation, but from the idea of the future. It is a crucial time in my life where I have to make very important decisions about what I am going to do with my future. I am one of the lucky ones, because I have known I want to do Emergency Medicine for over 2 years, I know what I am looking for in a residency program, and I have amazing mentors to help me through the process. But the pressure is on and the next step to my board exams is a little over 4 weeks away.
All and all it has been a very tough year for my family. When I was a little girl my mom was middle class single mom raising 3 girls and in my early teenage years she met my step-dad. He was a man who had demons in his past, but was now on track and took easily to the idea of being a parent.  The first year they were married he coached my baby sisters basketball team, attended all of my debates, and cheered on my middle sister at each of her tennis matches. Over the years he became one of our biggest supporters and was just as strong willed as my mother(which is tough to come by.) But sometimes in life we can't escape our past and though my mother spent a year trying to help him to get help she filed for divorce a couple of months ago.

Two weeks before part one of my board exams last July, I came home for the 4th to very difficult news. My grandpa had collapsed the day before and had been diagnosed with Stage IV Small Cell Lung Cancer  that had metastasized to his brain. He started radiation right away and spent most of August in the hospital for severe thrush and sepsis. After shrinkage of the brain masses from radiation, he started multiple rounds of chemo. In March he was declared cancer free, but this week his oncologist found 2 new masses in his brain. The decision on further treatment is undecided and he is very unsure of the future.

While the last year has been a whirlwind, difficult, and stressful it has also been wonderful, enlightening, and a blessing. I have had amazing opportunities to rotate in lot of different departments, get involved and do things that I love, and grow as a person. I have been able to be successful even in the midst of a difficult time. While it is heartbreaking to see someone you love throw away their life, I am thankful for the times we had with my step dad and thankful that my mother has the strength to move forward even when it is an extremely difficult decision. As for my grandfather, it is hard to know what the future holds and how long he has left, but he has lived a very full life and bought a year to watch me progress in medical school and meet his youngest grandson. We may get what we get in life, but so often even when times are tough there are silver linings. I am thankful everyday for the opportunities that I have had to go to medical school and have the experiences that so many people never get. I am blessed with people who are rooting for me everyday, the values instilled in me that have helped me get this far, and roof over my head. My life may never be easy, but it is always worth it!

Light in the Distance

54 days ago I started my surgery rotation and with 13 days left I am looking forward to the end. I had 4 tough 30 hour calls and 1 laid back call. I have spent countless hours in the OR. I wake up every morning before the birds and long before sunrise and it is still pitch dark outside as I walk from my car into the hospital. I go to sleep before the sun and most nights I can still hear the neighbor kids playing in the backyard as I close my eyes. Everyday is exhausting and I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch when I get home. Studying seems almost impossible and my brain doesn't seem to function until hours after I leave the house.
But 2 weeks from today I will be starting a new month and a new time in my life. At the end of July I will be taking my step 2 board exam and I will be spending the month studying. It is something I look forward to just for the structure, the sleeping in, and having some dedicated time to review what I've learned. After I finish the last couple of difficult weeks, I will only be doing the things that I love. I have several months in the ER and I even have vacation time coming up. The light in the distance is all that is keeping me going as we finish up this rotation. Because everything comes to a stop, eventually.

Birthday

This past weekend I got another year older. I haven't celebrated the last couple of years, because of various school responsibilities. Let's just say I made up for it all in a couple of days. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday and I'm glad I took an extra day off to sleep. It was just what I needed to give me the strength to get through this next month of surgery. I'm going to celebrate again with my dad's family this coming weekend and while it will be a little more laid back, I'm sure it will be another amazing weekend!
I was also officially promoted to a senior medical student yesterday! I can't wait to see what life has in store for me this year. I have no doubt it will be anything short of perfect insanity.

More to Life

I've been saying I want to be a physician since I was 8 years old and at 15 I made it my mission to get into the medical program. My 17 year old self had confidence I would sell my soul to have(ok I probably would sell my soul.) I didn't have a back up plan if i didn't get into the program, I was just so sure it would work out for me. I was so sure, I didn't apply anywhere else. I didn't realize how competitive it was to get in until after I interviewed and met the "competition." The day my letter came, I remember calling my grandma while I cried. Somehow I choked out, "I got my letter." And her response was, "oh honey, I'm sorry." The tears were misleading. The following fall I started my journey that would prove to have some major bumps, but brought me here to this point in my life. The last stretch, the final year.
It is a startling reality that I have less than a year left of school and I am finally there. I guess the thing is that while I have been saying that I would be a doctor for the last 16 years and have been in medical school for the past 6 years, I never really imagined myself getting to this point. I suppose I thought it would never get here, but here I am. In less than 1 year, I will be introducing myself as Dr.
This last stretch comes with its own challenges and a very different kind of stress. Over the next few months, I will be collecting letters of recommendation, writing my personal statement, and deciding where to apply for residency. It feels like every decision carries a lot of weight in the outcome of "the match."
With the stress of everything that is to come and being on my core rotations, I quit making time to do the things I love to do(aside from medicine). Like sew, bake, hike. But I stepped into my craft room for the first time in months a couple of weekends ago. I had forgotten how great it felt to finish a project or how fun it was to pick out fabric. I've settled on making myself skirts and putting together quilts to donate to the local children's hospital.  I've also started walking trails during the evening, something that totally puts me at peace. The beautiful pond and all the newborn animals have a very relaxing effect.
Remembering there is more to life than school has been totally rejuvenating. So while I have tried to plan out how everything is going to work out this last year and attempted to be completely prepared, I've realized that I have given my education everything I had and now it is time to give up the reigns and see what life has planned for me. I'm sure it will be amazing. After all every time things didn't go as planned, life ended up being great. Sometimes life isn't about planning, it is abut living.

The Shoe, The Zoo, and The countdown(+small pleasures)

I have never had a "traditional" family. There is my mom's side and my dad's side. So last week I went to the zoo with my dad's family, where we lost my niece's shoe to the zebras. The good news is that the zoo keepers were able to retrieve it a couple days later and it looks almost perfect!

This week I went to the zoo with my mom's half of the family in celebration of mother's day. We had a blast! With 2 energetic children, we were able to see every exhibit and catch a couple of shows. The little ones loved the animals, but not the walking.

On Surgery
Last night I completed my 2nd of 5 thirty hour calls that I will complete over the next couple of months. Making it 14 days down and 47 days to go before I finish up with my final core rotation and get closer to being back in the ER. I have decided to make the best of my time while I'm on surgery, relearn some anatomy, and reenforce why I chose Emergency Medicine over Surgery(not a difficult task). As I was standing in my 6 hour surgery last night, I considered renaming this post "Surg-1, Katelyn-0" but instead I decide the point goes to me. While my feet were killing me about half way through, I made it and that is a victory. We resected cancer out of a man's colon and that is definitely a victory for everyone. And the case confirmed that I was never meant to be a surgeon, mostly because I don't have the attention span.
I will say overall on surgery, the days don't seem as long as I thought they would, but the mornings do seem just as early if not earlier than I imagined. If their days started a couple hours later than they do I think it would be much easier on my body.  So while I've decided to make the best of it, I am also going to countdown the days.

Small Pleasures
One of the pros of being so busy during your core year of medical school is you remember to appreciate the small pleasures in life. For me that includes listening to music during my drives, diet mountain dew, a full night of sleep, taking a walk, and catching up with old friends. I'm pretty sure that the only thing that kept me going through the last hour of last nights surgery was knowing I had a diet mountain dew waiting on me when I finished. It is the little things in life!

An Update and the future

It has been so long since I have posted anything on either of my blogs and I am going to blame that on pure exhaustion. When I first came to medical school I was sure that I would be a Neonatologist and 2 years in I decided I would go into OBGYN and specialize in infertility. It turns out that I was not meant to go into either of those fields. A couple years ago, after I realized that OBGYN was definitely not for me, I took some time to think about what I loved about medicine and what worked well with my fast pace personality and I decided on Emergency Medicine. Like so many things in my life, once I set my mind to going into Emergency Medicine I was sure that it would just work out that way and for probably the first time in my life I was right.
After lots of thinking and switching my rotation schedule, I started my Emergency med rotation at the beginning of February. I was completely nervous and for so many reasons. I was worried I wouldn't like it and then I wouldn't know what to go into, I was worried about making a good impression, and I was worried I would be no good at it. However, the month was pure bliss. I loved the excitement, I loved the fast pace, I loved the people attracted to the specialty, and most of all I loved how natural it felt for me. Aside from confirming that EM was the best for me, that month also opened up many doors. I met a number of extremely experienced and respected EM physicians who opened my eyes to EMS and toxicology. Both areas I am now interested in doing some further training in.
After Feb came my March/April rotation in OBGYN. I won't say much about it here other than as a subject I enjoyed it, as a rotation, well not my favorite.
And now I am 4 days into my Surgery rotation. I haven't had a real first day so far, but this week is sure to test my physical abilities. While I don't think it will be the most mentally challenging rotation, I do believe it will be the most physically challenging. Tomorrow is my first 30 hour call and I am sure it will be quite the experience. I am kind of excited about it to be honest. It is the only chance I am going to get to see traumas while I am on surgery which is my main interest. However, with the waking up at 3:30 in the morning and getting home close to 6 in the evening, I am sure to be MIA for another couple of months.

In the midst of all of my core rotations, I have also been working on preparing for my future. In just a few short months I will start interviewing for residency all around the country. I am getting very excited about moving forward in my career, but I'm also very nervous. As part of the process I am going to do a couple of "away" rotations in Emergency Rooms around the country. Basically all that means is I will spend a month working in an ER at a different medical school. I was offered a rotation in North Carolina and I am very excited for the upcoming opportunity. I will leave at the end of September and can't wait to share all of those experiences. I have also applied for a couple of other rotations and I am waiting to hear back on whether or not I will be offered a spot.

In other news, I housed my grandparents, sister, brother-in-law, and niece overnight this weekend. I have lived in the same home for the last couple of years and I have rarely had company and never company quite like this. We had pizza, played cards, and shared lots of stories during the evening and then got up the next morning and headed for the zoo. Mer turned 2 this year and she is just a little jabberer. Roughly every few minutes I would hear "come on aunt katie." I am definitely her favorite when I'm in the room and I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that I provide the brownies and don't handle any of the discipline.
We had a wonderful day at the zoo and the zebra's gained a new toddler shoe. I'm not sure my sister was thrilled with that last bit, but I'm sure there is some zebra out there right now who is very thankful for their new stylish hoofware.
Having everyone over was something I definitely enjoyed. I have known for a long time that I want to build my own home one day and part of what I want is many furnished rooms to have guests stay comfortably. My sister and her family spent the night in the craft room and shockingly they all came down not covered in glitter. But one day I will be able to provide them with an actual room and a bed.
For now however all I can offer is a glitter covered room and an exhausted Aunt Katie.

Football

Last July I bought tickets to the Chiefs-Denver game for me and my dad for a fathers day/thanks for fixing my car gift. I had no idea at the time that I would be picking one of the best games of the year. We are by trade Chiefs fans and every year I start as a hard core fan and normally mid-season I don't watch as often because I get busy and it isn't as important when you are 0-12. But this year as I watched their season take place I got more and more excited for the upcoming game. Their first loss was to the Broncos in Denver two weeks before our big game which only increased the excitement for our rematch. We got parking in advance, bought custom cut steaks, and put together our drinks the night before in preparation. I also went and bought a new long sleeve thermal and leggings to go under my jersey and jeans to keep warm. When the morning finally came, my dad and I had breakfast with the rest of our family and headed out.
By headed out I mean we headed to Walmart to pick up those last minute things we forgot to get the night before. Like extra gloves, a chiefs hat for my dad, and A1 sauce. (Or and plates because I totally left them on the table when we left.) The ride down we talked about the injuries, how perfect the weather was going to be, and made predictions about the final score. My prediction was 24-21 Chiefs. I unfortunately was wrong, but more on that later.
We waited in a long line of cars to get into the stadium and when we gave our parking stub to the parking people it looked as though we would be parking pretty far away from the actual stadium, which we kind of expected. To our surprise they directed away from everyone else entering the far out parking lot and toward the stadium. Somehow the parking I had gotten us was parking in the lot right in front of the stadium. It was perfect. Everyone was tailgating and there was no way out once you got in there. Most everyone was Chiefs fans though you would see the occasional Broncos fan walk by and get booed by the crowd. The atmosphere was perfect and the sun was shining. We were sure it would be a great day.
Entering the stadium was a whole new experience. We had lower level seats in the end zone and by the time we got into our seats the players were already warming up. It was incredible! The stadium was overwhelming big and the players looked so close. We were high enough up to be able to see the plays develop, but far enough down to see them up close. They couldn't have been better seats.
We got super into the game. The things that happen in the stadium that you don't see on TV are awesome. The crowd is super loud, everyone is very into the game, and their couldn't be more loyal fans. We stood the whole time, screaming until our voice cracked. I remember the 100  yard return getting us the 3rd touchdown of the game. I was screaming and jumping up and down. I think the Broncos fan next to me thought I was a crazy person.
Everything just seemed so perfect. Right up to the point where we started losing. But then we started to make a come back. I remember how disappointed I felt when we didn't get that last touchdown. But overall it was a almost perfect day. Sometimes luck is on your side.