Some months are very difficult and for me February was definitely one of those months. I spent November-January basically on "vacation," though I was interviewing and substitute teaching on my days at home. February was my first month back to school and I started it with a required medicine and film class. I won't bore you with the details, but it was definitely not a class I enjoyed and reminded me why I don't enjoy classes and how much I really missed being a clinician.
On February 11th, my grandfather passed away after a long and brutal fight against lung cancer. Over the last year and a half, my family watched a strong and independent man wither away. I saw him a week before he died and I am comforted by the fact that he was at peace with his fate and felt like he was still "winning" even in death. He was a man who welcomed everyone with open arms and believed anyone could succeed if they tried. The number of people's lives he touched is unmeasurable. While the initial grief has subsided, I still have moments when I'm angry. I am very thankful that my sister from the other side of my family, Jamie, came up to support me just because virtual hugs are just not the same. And thankful that my oldest friend, Crystal gave up her Valentine's Day with her husband to be there to support me as we laid my grandfather to rest. I am extremely blessed to be surrounded by people who love me and support me not matter the circumstances, distance, or day of the year.
The rest of February went by in a blur mostly filled with grief, anger, and stress. At the end of January, I submitted my rank list for residency and now I await my placement. As time goes on I have waves of confidence and waves of complete fear that I will be unemployed next year. On March 20th, I will be surrounded by my family while I receive my placement for the next 3 years.
I ended February with one of the few positive things of my month, a leap of faith trip to Boise. I had an incredible time exploring the city and seeing the mountains with a wonderful guy. It was an entirely too fast 3 day weekend and I arrived home Monday afternoon.
This month I am finally back to seeing patients and I am sure will be a much better month. I hit it hard starting Monday with my orientation and spent both Tuesday and Wednesday working in the ER. It is so nice to be back even though I am very rusty. I definitely think Tuesday was much better than Monday. I am easing back into a normal routine. Tomorrow I have a crazy busy day with clinic in the morning and working the swing shift in the ER in the evening. In fact, I am in for a very busy and hectic month with very few days off and lots of excitement. A month that is definitely up my alley!